Stimuluses for Err’body: What Democrats Need to Do Should They Take Over Congress

There are unwritten rules in just about everything in life.

In baseball, if a pitcher hits your guy with the ball, then once your team’s pitcher is up to the mound, it’s a must that you bean their opposing team’s batter. Doesn’t even matter if he had anything to do with it. He’s on his team and the pitcher is on his and those are the rules.

See, I’ve never had a problem with anything that Republicans have done now that the ball is in their court. They control the White House (I know Trump is a fake Republican but you get my point) and the Senate. If they can push a Supreme Court nominee, even if it means using some bullshit excuses, they should because that is what you do when you run shit. You push whatever agenda you have. My problem is with Democrats who don’t swing their sword the same way. Whenever they get into power they constantly try and appeal to the middle-of-the-road voters or Republicans when it should be “fuck them.” But Trump has helped that; at least, I hope he has. His careless, idiotic, brazen style of “governing” (if we can even call it that) has pissed off everyone from pundits to politicos and well, he’s brushed Democrats back. So if Democrats can flip the Senate and get control of Congress then I’d expect that throw right at the batter’s head.

That’s the unwritten rule.

Below is a look at five policies that Democrats should push as soon as they take over.

Stimuluses

I don’t feel like Googling the plural of stimulus but I’m assuming it’s stimuluses or it might be stimuli, who knows? (Editor’s note: It’s stimuli—but not when we’re talking about running us our money.) But, the first thing that a Democratic Congress needs to do is pass the fuck out of some stimuluses. They need to pass those shits like Joe Montana when he found Dwight Clark in the back of the endzone. Pass those shits the way that TLC did the guy trying to holla from the passenger side of his best friend’s ride. Pass them the way that Busta Rhymes wants his Courvoisier.

Seriously, Senate Republicans fucked all of America by ignoring the HEROES Act when it passed the House on May 12. Not only did the Senate refuse to vote on it, they didn’t even look at it and called it “dead on arrival.” So pass all of the stimuluses you possibly can and then pass some more because all of America is hurting—even the racist side of America that acts like they give a shit about spending.

Abolish the Police

Like the Cabrini Green projects before it, it’s time for the police system and the way that it’s structured to be destroyed. All of it, especially the all-powerful and rarely just police union. Destroy all of it. I initially thought that I was in the police reform camp and that implementing new procedures and allowing for new protocols, policing could work. But we are talking about radical ideas that could implement significant and lasting change. And the foundation with which the police system was built is not only corrupt, it isn’t working. I don’t have all of the answers, but I like the definition that Christy Lopez, law professor at Georgetown University, gave Vox.

What this means in terms of action items and policy initiatives is that we need to scrutinize our state and local budgets, educate ourselves about what police do versus what we need to be and feel safe, and realign the budget and our social programs to better serve our public safety needs. We start this process by rethinking what we mean by public safety and by questioning our assumptions about when and why law enforcement is the right vehicle to address a problem.

Once we begin to undertake this inquiry, we quickly see that there are some things that police are doing that nobody should be doing, such as enforcing laws that criminalize poverty and addiction, arresting people instead of issuing citations, writing tickets to raise revenue rather than protect the public, and using armored vehicles to evict women and children from a home they have occupied to protest homelessness.

We also see that much of what police do could probably be done better or more cost-effectively if done by somebody else: everything from taking accident reports to responding to persons who are homeless or in mental health crisis.

In the words of Ice Cube—the rapper, not the comedic movie dad: “Fuck tha police.”

Stack the Supreme Court

Unless Seattle Seahawks wide receiver DK Metcalf can chase Judge Amy Coney Barrett down to keep her from joining the Supreme Court, it’s a done deal.

And Democrats need to follow the path that Oreo laid out.

No one, not one person thought that the original Oreo was a problem and then they came out with the double stuff Oreo and it was way too much of whatever that white shit is. Didn’t matter. America now had a Double Stuf OREO and still found a way to function. So Double Stuf the fuck out of the Supreme Court.

The Washington Post explains court-packing as:

“…adding more judges to a court than there are now, something that can be done on the federal level simply by passing a law.”

The Constitution says nothing about how many justices there must be on the Supreme Court, and over time, the number has fluctuated. The court started out with six justices, expanded to seven and has gone as high as 10. Congress set the Supreme Court to be nine justices in 1869, but if a president and Congress agree, they could change the law to expand the court or shrink it.

So I say pack that shit like 3.5 grams in one blunt. Stack that shit like Jenga blocks, and who cares what anyone has to say. Republicans ran all over America as soon as they could. In fact, the reason stacking the court has become an emergency option is only because Trump and his goon squad have Ike Turner’d Amy Coney Barrett down America’s collective throats. This is the first time in the last century that a Supreme Court pick is being jammed onto the court this close to an election. And Republicans don’t give a fuck. So why should democrats? I say stack that court like Pringles.

Pass the Green New Deal

Admittedly, I don’t know much about climate change but I know that the climate is a mess and that the climate needs to change because, boom, it’s right there in the name. I also grew up in the hood and know that there are certain hood rules that still stand to this day and one is, “If one of us gets into a fight then all of us get into a fight.” You don’t get to pick your battles, you fight on principle. I roll with New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and she rolls with Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and they put together the Green New Deal and I know it really upsets the shit out of Republicans so they should pass it and fast. If for nothing else than to save America while pissing off the Republicans, which really is all we want, isn’t it?

Universal Healthcare

I don’t know why this is so hard. Why can’t we look at whatever Canada is doing and just cheat off their paper? It’s the way that I got through Algebra 700 or whatever math I took in high school; I’m not good with numbers, and that’s not the point. Canada has been and continues to be a country of sound thinking and amazing healthcare for everyone and they gave us Drake and if they can make Canadian Screech the biggest rapper in the world, they can do anything. Why can’t Biden or Kamala just come out and say “we are going to do whatever Canada is doing!”

Universal healthcare should be a right and Democrats know that. They’ve known it for years and have worked to try and make it so, (we see you, Obamacare!) and if they take control of all of the houses, including the House of LaBeija, they need to make it so and fast. Especially during the Trump pandemic.

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