5 Things We Learned From the Worst Verzuz Battle in American History

Illustration for article titled 5 Things We Learned From the Worst iVerzuz/i Battle in American History

Photo: Morry Gash (Getty Images)

If the Rockettes dressed in poop emoji costumes kicked oversized, stuffed poop emojis into a crowd of NASCAR fans while trying to put out a dumpster fire inside a locker room toilet, it still would’ve been less of a shitshow than what happened Tuesday night.

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Former Vice President Joe Biden and the President of the Proud Boys Donald Trump faced off for the first time in what was supposed to be a presidential debate but was anything other than presidential and definitely wasn’t a debate. What took place on a national stage was a joke of an embarrassment that included personal jabs, overtalking, shouting, way too much orange makeup, insult-slinging, old men-sweat, and a weak-ass moderator.

At one point in the evening, I began thinking of things I’d rather watch than this trainwreck of old white men blabbing into the soundbox:

  1. Teddy Riley’s Verzuz set
  2. A professional boxer versus Logan Paul
  3. CeCe Winans not singing
  4. Jaguar Wright talking
  5. A pig vomit

This one-hour and 30-minute gabfest didn’t even produce a winner; in fact, the only losers last night were all of us who decided we hated ourselves enough to sit through this.

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It even forced normally even-keeled CNN chief political correspondent Dana Bash to speak out of character:

Below are five takeaways from this soiled baby diaper:

1. Joe Biden didn’t win. 

The one time I would’ve been perfectly fine with Biden going full Biden, he just withered inside himself and let Trump dictate the pace. He allowed the bully to be the bully when this entire time Biden has prided himself in being the bully beater. He’s talked about standing up to Corn Pop. He’s threatened to take voters outside to beat the shit out of them. The one time for Biden to put up or shut up, he got punk’d. And this wouldn’t be a big deal if Biden didn’t spend all of his energy in the lead-up claiming he was the one who could tame the orange-tinted beast. Biden wanted to try and appear presidential, but in turn, he appeared flat. Not soft, just unenthusiastic. Biden did have a few zingers but in short, this wasn’t Biden’s best showing.

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2. Donald Trump just solidified his spot.

There could have been an argument that Trump was behind Osama Bin Laden and Taylor Swift as the worst person to America, but after Tuesday’s debate, I think it’s pretty clear that Trump is the loading mechanism in a fertilizer factory. Not only did he refuse to denounce white supremacy (no shocker there) but he literally mobilized the Proud Boys (a loose group of grown men who call themselves boys; some of them even “protest” on electronic skateboards) telling them to “stand back and stand by.” The president was literally asked to denounce white supremacy, which is the equivalent of being asked to denounce candy corn, and he couldn’t fix his anus-shaped mouth to do it. He literally couldn’t denounce it as a theory. He couldn’t denounce it as an ideology. And all of this really upset Chris Wallace, a CNN moderator and good, good girlfriend to Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, who did his whole shaky-chin-thing that he does when he’s about to cry.

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Also notice how Van Jones tweeted his own press clip because, of course, Van Jones would do that:

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The bigger point here is that Trump doesn’t give a fuck what he says or does as he’s not trying to appeal to all of America. The Czar of Caucasia is only appealing to one group and last night he solidified his spot as their leader.

3. Spy vs. Spy: What the fuck was that thing on Trump’s head? And what’s that wire hanging out of Biden’s jacket? 

Look, we all know we aren’t dealing with two of the greatest public speakers, here. I mean, I don’t think anyone was looking for some magical oratory moments here but cheatgate was in full effect after the debate as members of both sides went full Inspector Gadget looking for all kinds of hidden wires to decide which debater had an unfair, electrical advantage.

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My first thought: Not only was this entire debate a letdown of epic proportions, but you had help with this shit?!

The funny thing has been the photos and video evidence used to “prove” that each presidential hopeful cheated.

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“Actor” James Woods had a full conspiracy tweet thread going after posting this video:

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I would say that we should all stop watching James Woods movies but it appears that James Woods has already saved us from that. His last movie was released early this year and called, “Watch me undo all of my half-assed movies by playing an American racist zealot online.” He’s actually not bad at it.

But I, like much of the Twitterverse, did have one question after closely examining the president of people who buy hot food from a gas station: What the fuck is that thing in Trump’s head?

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No seriously, what the fuck is that thing on Trump’s head? (Please leave only wrong answers in the comment section.)

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4. Chris Wallace is no B.I.G.

I’m not sure that Chris Wallace understood who he was dealing with, but when it comes to handling Trump, you can’t use your kid gloves. In fact, I won’t even talk about how bad a job Wallace did, I will just list the folks who could’ve done his job better.

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  1. Any mom doing virtual learning with more than one child
  2. Whoever’s been hosting any of the Love and Hip Hop reunions
  3. This referee:
Gif: Giphy

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5. A 3-month old baby

6. A dishwasher

5. This needs to stop.

I don’t mean this lightly, but if I’m in Joe Biden’s camp, he just did his first and last “debate.” This shit was such a clown show that he doesn’t need to hurt his brand by going this low for votes. These debates aren’t moving the needle; they are just a stage for Trump to play his best Vince McMahon. The votes are already set. Let Trump’s camp say and do all the dumb shit that they’ve been doing and trust that America is going to vote for Biden on Trump-hate alone. Even if it doesn’t work and Biden loses, it won’t be because he couldn’t sway middle-of-the-road voters, as those voters are the same people who eat from the buffet at strip clubs. They are already lost and nothing Biden does in the debates is going to sway them.

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If these debates continue—because sometimes the fuckshit must go on—then Biden’s going to have to fight. He’s going to have to get in the mud with this pig, and if he’s not willing to do that then he might as well just stay in the basement and wait for Black women to come and save us all.

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