Thank goodness for the “bank of mum and dad”: now there’s an expression to make me a bit sick in my mouth. I am the parent of two adult children who have moved back home in recent years because they can’t afford to rent somewhere to live. And they are not alone. In January, the Office for National Statistics reported that rental prices had risen 6.2%, the highest annual increase since records began in 2016. The number of families in England and Wales with adult children living with their parents has risen by 13.6% since 2011, according to the 2021 census.
Like many other parents, I didn’t expect to be supporting my adult kids. In this economy, my kids aren’t the only ones struggling for cash. Mortgage hikes and the increase in cost of living have left me tightening my belt: donning extra jumpers instead of putting the heating on, and wondering if a hat indoors is taking things a bit too far.
Which is how I find myself considering the question of whether or not I should charge them rent. I feel bad about asking them to pay to be staying with us; I’ve always told them they can come home any time. But we’ve all regressed: I’ve even taken to hiding the sriracha mayo in the cleaning cupboard – they get through so much of it. And my kids seem to spend all their time raiding the fridge, taking long hot showers and blasting the central heating. I find myself resenting them when they are working from home, giving them the side-eye when the heating goes on. “Can’t you go and work in a cafe,” I say, passive-aggressively. What have I become?
I ask my friends what they would do.
“I couldn’t ask my kids for money,” says one mother. “How can they get ahead, save for a deposit, a holiday, or travel?” Travel? Who seriously got free rent so they could travel? “I don’t ask for a lot,” says another. “Only £100 a week, she doesn’t earn that much, we’re all on a low wage, we need the money.”
I don’t know which camp I’m in. Should I be charging £200 or £400? On one hand, how are they supposed to save for a deposit if they are giving me £400 a month? My husband looks at me dumbfounded when I suggest we charge them £200 a month to cover bills and groceries. “Are you mad? He earns more than me,” he says of our youngest. He thinks the kids should pay according to how much they earn, but both are on short-term, freelance contracts, and their salaries fluctuate from good to nothing depending on the month. They have no job security.
Another option favoured by my husband is to charge them a higher rate and set it aside for them when they need it. But isn’t that just another way of infantilising them? I speak to another parent who has decided not to charge his son at all, to give him a chance to save up. “How is that working out?” I ask him. “Badly,” he says. “It’s mostly going on his social life.”
One friend told me her sons were sick of giving her money. And I feel for them. Who wants to be in your 20s and living with your parents, indefinitely? When we’re all at home together, in our small terrace house, my husband and I are the ones who have priority over the TV, the kitchen, friends coming over. And when are any of us supposed to have sex?
“I’m trying to save to move out,” says one twentysomething I speak to, who has been living with his parents since finishing university almost a year ago. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful but … it costs more in other ways – you can’t have a night in with your mates. When you start a new relationship, it’s awkward. The night ends and you realise there’s nowhere to go except back to one of your parents’ houses.” Although, as a 23-year-old says, “There’s always Premier Inn.”
“The worst thing is,” the twentysomething adds, “I can’t see an end to it. Even if I save £150 a month it’s going to be eight years before I can even think about renting.”
This is the problem. This arrangement of multiple generations stuck under one roof feels distinctly long term. Not a temporary solution for passing financial strain, but a lifestyle of necessity. According to the Resolution Foundation, the average rent paid by the whole population of renters – young and older – will continue to rise. And for every month that the kids are at home, already soaring rent prices seem to spiral even further out of reach.
There’s no inherited experience to fall back on, as a parent in this situation. I was long gone from my own parents’ house by the time I was 18, but my generation could rent a rundown little shoebox above a shop for an affordable price; such a shoebox would now set you back over a grand.
Besides, I actually like having my kids back home. But I’m still left with the unanswered question: how much should I charge?