My husband has suggested we both go on Tinder for fun – but will this open a can of worms?

My husband and I have a very happy relationship but lately he has been suggesting that we go on Tinder to speak to other men “just for fun”. He doesn’t mind if I go on alone or we go as a couple (though I’m sure he would like that), but he says it would be fun to flirt online with other gay men. I can see how it would be fun and I’m open to the idea, but worried that it will open a can of worms. My main concern is that a friend would see me on there and wonder what’s going on. We are a little older and have never dated online before, which is part of the appeal for him. I’m very secure in our marriage and I don’t think he is looking around or doesn’t think I’m enough for him, and we are very honest with each other. Do you think this could be something fun or will it lead to too many problems?

It doesn’t sound like it would be fun for you. Tinder is not just for flirting, so it seems likely that your husband may be interested in having sex with other men. Would you be open to that? Or is that the “can of worms” to which you were referring? You say you are very honest with each other, so why not address that frankly? You don’t have to worry about someone seeing you on the app because if so, they are doing the same thing. Many couples seek additional sex partners on online platforms, and some do experience problems; even when there is agreement about it jealousies can arise – and there can be safety issues as well. Don’t venture into this arena unless you feel you can handle it. And, if you decide to go ahead with it make sure you and your husband first establish clear ground rules.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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