Everything You Need to Know About Your Stimmy

Illustration for article titled Everything You Need to Know About Your Stimmy

Photo: Oliver Contreras (Getty Images)

Because there has been so much fuckshit involving the latest stimulus relief bill, let me get you up to speed as quickly as possible.

The House of Representatives is like the Trap. These niggas have been down since the beginning and have been working to take care of as many people as possible. That’s because the Trap, or the House, is under Democratic control. So they sent a bill over to the Senate, which is basically like Hidden Hills or any other rich neighborhood. They don’t fuck with poor people. I mean they act like they do, but who are we kidding?

Hidden Hills is evenly split along party lines but one of these niggas is William O’Neal. Basically, West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin is a Democrat in name only as he’s clearly serving Republican interests. Did I mention that he’s from West Virginia? Anyway, because he’s become a swing vote on issues, he’s out here stunt-queening. After hours and hours of negotiating with Manchin’s ass, Senate Democrats finally reached an agreement, which included lowering unemployment benefits from $400 a week to $300 a week despite his state being one of the hardest hit during these COVID-19 times. And so now the marked-up bill is being sent back to the Trap and the Trap is going to do its thug thizzle and President Joe Biden is like, “Bring me that bill baby so I can sign that shit and ensure that some 17 million people don’t get shit.”

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Wait, 17 million people aren’t getting a stimmy?

Yeah, this was some moderate Democrat bullshit in which they cut the stimmy off for individuals making $80,000, which is down from $100,000 and $160,000 for married couples down from $200,000 in the House’s bill. So 17 million fewer people will get a check than President Trump’s stimulus plan. But, why are you always bringing up bad shit?

I mean that’s kind of fucked up. 

Biden’s only been in office three days and he already pushed Drake’s album back, opened up Texas and made a fancam of himself walking in slow motion.

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What more can he do?!

Did Biden say anything about this?

Yes, he said: “Why y’all always coming after the Biden?” It’s time for y’all to come after the Manchin.”

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So what happens now?

Are you on reading level? I told you that the Senate’s bill is in the Trap and the Trap is for the people. They could pass it as early as Tuesday and Biden is going to sign it as soon as it hits his desk because he’s already 400 documents behind former President Trump on signing things.

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Then what happens?

What do mean, then what happens? That stimmy hits the bank and I go to Marshalls and get my shit off layaway. I get the big box of Frosted Flakes and throw out the bag of sanded wheat that I’ve been eating. I get Evian for my Ramen. Basically, I upgrade my life back to what it was before COVID-19.

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And when can we expect this to happen?

Mid-March.

This hasn’t been helpful at all. 

How dare you talk about the Biden administration like that.

Have you not seen this?

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