And the Pulitzer Prize for Caucasity Goes to…

Black Lives Matter

Illustration for article titled And the Pulitzer Prize for Caucasity Goes to...

Screenshot: Deadspin

This weekend, as I watched COVID-19’s racial disparities blow a 104,600-point lead to extrajudicial police killings, I pondered the effectiveness of nonviolent protest versus “riots.” I imagined strategies that might deter police brutality. I even considered if chaos was a good thing. But, of all the things that crossed my mind, there was never even a microsecond where I thought to myself:

“I bet Russell Wilson could solve this.”

Maybe I am stupid.

Or, perhaps, my colleagues over at Deadspin have more information than me. Apparently, someone on the crack investigative team has discovered that Russell Wilson is Batman because, apparently, he alone can bridge the racial divide that has been putting its knee on black people’s necks long before there was an NFL, an internet or the need for an NFL quarterback who didn’t have shit to do with George Floyd or the police to become the negro caped crusader.

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A lot of unnecessary things exist for no particular reason.

No one wanted hot wing-flavored Oreos. Which one of you niggas wanted red velvet cake condoms? And if I find the person who okayed this acoustic version of Kendrick Lamar’s “Alright,” I can assure you that all your life, you are definitely going to have to fight. But on Monday, Deadspin submitted its submission of things no one asks for when they published the article “Where are the Voices of the Black Quarterbacks?

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Although we are owned by the same parent company, I am not privy to the inner workings of the site, so I am left to imagine how the article was pitched:

Someone: We have to write something about these protests.

Someone else: But what, though? Something about how the NFL tweeted that bullshit about the protests?

First Someone: Nah. Think stupider.

Second Someone: How about something that removes all the responsibility for white supremacy on white people and places it squarely on the shoulders of someone black.

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First Someone: You’re getting warmer. But who? Everyone will be expecting something about Lebron James or Colin Kaepernick.

Second Someone: How about Russell Wilson? He’s probably somewhere minding his own business.

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First Someone: I love it. But the opening has to be so shitty that it will leave a dookie stain in your brain just from reading the opening paragraph!

And that’s how Deadspin wrote this:

Shame on Russell Wilson.

Shame on Patrick Mahomes.

Shame on Dak Prescott.

Shame on Deshaun Watson.

Shame on Lamar Jackson.

Hello …. is this on? Where are you?

As America burns in protests from sea to shining sea in the wake of the death of George Floyd — an unarmed black man killed by the knee of a white cop in Minneapolis — superstar athletes are lending their voices in support of the movement to end police brutality in this country.

Four years ago, Colin Kaepernick, now a black ex-NFL quarterback, tried to bring this problem to light and put it on the national stage in an attempt to end the criminal police violence against black and brown people.

And since all hell has broken loose, we’ve heard from quarterbacks from all over the place. There’s only one problem thus far.

We’ve heard from the white ones, not the right ones.

And that is sad.

But it’s not that surprising. You see, some have a history of looking the other way.

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When I saw that a black guy wrote it, the first thing I thought was: “Those guys at The Onion are on FIYAH. I can’t wait to read their take on why we also haven’t heard from George Washington Carver or the president of Wakanda.”

I am not angry at this take any more than I am angry at the person who is working feverishly in their basement to invent a pillowcase woven from the pubic hair of homeless people. People have stupid ideas all the time. I once paid for two tickets to take a date to see a Tyler Perry movie…on opening night.

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I bet Russell Wilson was sitting at home trying to contact Al Sharpton to get some input on baiting the middle linebacker closer to the line of scrimmage on the 4-3 defense when he heard this and wondered what the hell was going on. We all know that Malcolm X would have told the Seahawks Coach to run Marshawn Lynch on fourth-and-one in the Super Bowl. Sure, Beast Mode would have gotten the ball into the end zone “by any means necessary,” but NFL coaches need advice from civil rights leaders as much as activists and protesters need support from athletes.

It is not incumbent on black people to solve white supremacy. Black people did not create racism, nor do we perpetuate it. As far as I know, there is no secret memo directing police officers nationwide to keep fucking with black people until a collective of the country’s most accurate-throwing negroes tells them to stop.

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Nah, Deadspin, this is on white people.

If one were to amble into a room filled with Deadspin writers, I’d wager that there is at least one person (in my head, he’s wearing cargo shorts, Asics and an ironically humorous -t-shirt) who could conjure up a few suggestions on ways white people could work and solve this problem that white people created. If not, I have few suggestions on who we should seek out to solve this national crisis:

  • Legislators
  • Jesus
  • Queen Latifah (She’s good at everything)
  • Brandon Stark (He united the Seven Kingdoms)
  • People on juries of police officers who knee people in the neck
  • Police officers who knee people in the neck
  • People not named Russell Wilson
  • Even Ciara

But instead, a writer, an editor and presumably the person in charge of determining the adhesiveness of feces thrown against a wall decided to manifest the whitest thing that could possibly exist, and I’ve read some really white things, like this Deadspin article describing the experience of getting arrested that one time a white dude did something about racism

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But Deadspin is not the only outlet which is perpetuating this nonsense. People all over the country are demanding that celebrities speak out on the violence. Don Lemon even wondered what Ellen, Oprah and Tyler Perry had to say, something that no one gives a fuck about but Don Lemon. Russell Wilson’s “voice” on white supremacy is as necessary as Donald Trump’s coronavirus medical advice or Harriet Tubman’s input on special teams onside kick coverage.

We’re good.

What the hell is Ellen supposed to do? Waltz away white supremacy? And why are you only singling out quarterbacks? Why not punters? We also haven’t heard from utility infielders and rhythmic gymnasts. Why is the competitive curling community so silent on police brutality? What’s up with the U.S. Olympic synchronized swimming team??

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OK, maybe they have released a statement and I just don’t know about it. You know why?

Because it shouldn’t exist!

Also, stop asking black people to wipe white people’s ass after 400 years of shitting on us.

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If Michael Jordan teamed up with Oprah Winfrey to fund research for a time machine that could bring back Michael Jackson, Marcus Garvey and Frederick Douglass, the statements from the mouths of these resurrected corpses wouldn’t mean a damn thing until white people collectively decided to stop white people-ing.

Because stories like these shouldn’t exist. It’s a chicken-flavored cookie stuffed inside a red velvet rubber playing a banjo version of “We Shall Overcome.”

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Not even Martin Luther King would have wanted that shit.

Updated: Monday, June 1, 2020, 7:24 p.m. ET: This story has been updated to reflect the ethnicity of the writer.

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