Trump is eager to ‘open’ the U.S. His team’s estimates for when that will happen are all over the map.

“The coronavirus continues to ravage the country, but there are signs that social distancing is beginning to work — though that does not mean we can go back to normal anytime soon, or maybe ever,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday’s Late Show. Dr. Anthony Fauci suggests we continue “compulsive” hand-washing and never shake hands again. “That’s bad news for secret societies,” Colbert joked.

President Trump, meanwhile, is “facing the prospect of running for re-election after botching the response to a global pandemic,” but his tweet about how the outbreak “must be quickly forgotten” was “a tad insensitive,” Colbert said. He joked about how Passover and Easter are going to be different this year, then checked in with God, apparently self-quarantining in his Idaho cabin.

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Seriously, Easter at home this year, The Late Show advised, via a burning bush.

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“Easter doesn’t feel at all exciting this year, probably because I’ve spent the last three weeks driving around looking for eggs already,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “The president’s been playing a game for Easter — it’s called Pin the Tail on Everyone Else. He is desperate to shift blame for the fact that we were unprepared for this pandemic.”

“Even with couples stuck at home with nothing to do, experts are saying we’re not likely to see a quarantine baby boom,” Kimmel deadpanned. “And that’s a shame, because my wife and I, we say it every day: You know what would be great right now? More kids in the house. Experts say there would be a spike in birthrates if we could stop asking our significant others why they’re loading the dishwasher that way.”

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“Love in the time of corona” is tough, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. “Yeah, coronavirus is the worst thing to happen to marriages since the invention of the pool boy.” Divorce is skyrocketing, he said, because “quarantine is showing a lot of couples that they might love each other, but they don’t like each other.”

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While you’re trying to organize your quarantine life, the president is “hoping you’ll forget that he badly botched his response to the crisis,” Late Night‘s Seth Meyers said. “Trump thought he alone could fix it — until he saw what ‘it’ was” — and “nothing gives away the game of how badly Trump has handled this like Trump telling us now we have to forget about it when it’s over.” Watch below. Peter Weber

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