The names of players in Super Bowl 54, ranked

Super Bowl LIV is one of the most exciting Super Bowl matchups in recent memory. There’s a lot of star power with both the Chiefs and 49ers, and a lot of great names. There’s also a lot of not-so-great names. We need proper analysis of these because that’s what we do during Super Bowl week — overanalyze everything.

I would like to beat you to the comment section by answering your own question: “HoW cOuLd YoU raNk NamEs wItH a NAme LiKe HarRy LylEs jR.?” Because I can, and I know my name ain’t the most intriguing.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, the rankings:

T-54. YOU HAVE A NAME

Chris Jones — DT, Chiefs

Eric Fisher — LT, Chiefs

Fred Warner — LB, 49ers

Michael Person — RG, 49ers

George Kittle — TE, 49ers

Nick Bosa — DE, 49ers

Daniel Sorensen — FS, Chiefs

Mitchell Schwartz — RT, Chiefs

Joe Staley — LT, 49ers

Andrew Wylie — LG, Chiefs

Austin Reiter — C, Chiefs

T-50. YOU HAVE A NAME, BUT WITH A DASH OF SALT ON IT

Jimmy Garoppolo — QB, 49ers

Mike McGlinchey — RT, 49ers

Mitch Wishnowsky — P, 49ers

Daniel Brunskill — OL, 49ers

T-48. WILLIAMS

K’Waun Williams — S, 49ers

Damien Williams — RB, Chiefs

47. SOUNDS EXPENSIVE

Weston Richburg — C, 49ers

T-42. THE TWO FIRST NAMES

Richard Sherman — CB, 49ers

Frank Clark — DE, Chiefs

Richie James — KR/PR, 49ers

Anthony Sherman — FB, Chiefs

Travis Kelce — TE, Chiefs (Kelsey. I can do this because it’s my blog.)

41. YOUR NAME HAS A VERB

Kendrick Bourne — WR, 49ers

40. YOUR NAME HAS AN ADJECTIVE

Kendall Fuller — CB, Chiefs

39. YOUR NAME HAS A PRECIOUS SUBSTANCE, IT’S JUST SPELLED WRONG

Robbie Gould — K, 49ers

T-36. EMMANUEL

Emmanuel Moseley — CB, 49ers

Emmanuel Sanders — WR, 49ers

Emmanuel Ogbah — DE, Chiefs

T-21. SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING

Laken Tomlinson — LG, 49ers

Demarcus Robinson — WR, Chiefs

Damien Wilson — LB, Chiefs

Jimmie Ward — FS, 49ers

Matt Breida — RB, 49ers

Tevin Coleman — RB, 49ers

Justin Skule — OL, 49ers

Marcell Harris — S, 49ers

Ahkello Witherspoon — DB, 49ers

Patrick Mahomes — QB, Chiefs

Sammy Watkins — WR, Chiefs

Derrick Nnadi — DT, Chiefs

Anthony Hitchens — LB, Chiefs

Dustin Colquitt — P, Chiefs

Cameron Erving — OT, Chiefs

THE NAMES WE CAN ACTUALLY RANK

20. Alex Okafor — DE, Chiefs

19. Terrell Suggs — LB/DE, Chiefs

18. LeSean McCoy — RB, Chiefs

17. Dre Greenlaw — LB, 49ers

16. Kyle Juszczyk — FB, 49ers

15. Tyreek Hill — WR, Chiefs

14. Charvarius Ward — CB, Chiefs

13. Harrison Butker — K, Chiefs

12. Raheem Mostert — RB, 49ers

11. Arik Armstead — DE, 49ers

10. Kwon Alexander — LB, 49ers

9. DeForest Buckner — DT, 49ers

8. Tanoh Kpassagnon — DE, Chiefs

7. Bashaud Breeland — CB, Chiefs

6. Mecole Hardman — KR/PR, Chiefs

5. Jaquiski Tartt — SS, 49ers

4. Dee Ford — DE, 49ers

3. Deebo Samuel — WR, 49ers

2. Tyrann Mathieu — SS, Chiefs

1. Dr. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif M.D. — RG, Chiefs

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