DEAR DEIDRE: IN the past year, I have had sex with dozens of men – at least ten in one night when a man took me to a swinging club.
I just want to be close to someone and for them to want me.
I am 38 and I have a partner who is 39. We have been together for 15 years.
Apart from a couple of boyfriends when I was in my teens, my partner is the only guy I have had a proper relationship with.
The trouble is he drinks at least ten cans of beer a night. He might then start on vodka as well. He always drinks alone.
When he returns home from work all he does is drink, cook and eat, then goes upstairs to bed.
He is completely in denial about his drinking and the impact it is having on our relationship. He doesn’t think he has a problem.
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We have had no sex life or any intimacy, including kissing or holding hands, for 12 years.
Despite this I have had no affairs or liaisons of any kind until a year ago.
Last New Year I was feeling rejected and sad about how my life was turning out. I started going out and picking up men in bars and clubs.
I began having multiple one-night stands, taking more and more risks.
My partner knows what I am doing. He said he was angry and upset at first but then thought that, because he couldn’t give me sex, it was OK.
He told me to be careful about who I met but said he didn’t want to know any details.
I tried to explain to him that I just want to be close to someone but he won’t talk about it.
I have become depressed about my situation but I worry that, if I leave, it may kill my partner.
I couldn’t have that on my conscience. I don’t see a way out where we will both survive.
DEIDRE SAYS: How sad this is for you both, and how dangerous, too.
Your partner is steadily killing himself with his alcohol addiction and you are putting yourself at terrible risk.
Try to see that staying with your partner isn’t saving him.
Freeing yourself from this grimly stuck relationship could help him realise change is possible.
Tell your partner you are no longer willing to be complicit in his steady demolition of himself and of your love and start making practical plans to leave.
WOMEN can lack confidence when it comes to knowing how to turn a man on or make the first move sexually.
My e-leaflet How To Thrill A Man In Bed explains some approachable tactics. For a copy, email me or message me on my Facebook page.
I hope that makes him decide to change. He should talk to his GP and contact Drinkline (0300 123 1110).
There are no magic wands but the right support could help you start to
value yourself more so you can end this self-destructive casual sex.
My e-leaflet Hooked On Casual Sex? can help. And find local support at adfam.org.uk.