10 minor league baseball mascots we really want to eat

Once in a great while we’re introduced to a mascot so bizarre that it confronts us in a way that evokes an immediate reaction. That happened on Tuesday with the introduction of the “Mighty Mussels,” out of Fort Myers.

As a man with portion control problems and no self respect, my immediate response to seeing this swoll sea beast is “I want to eat it.” This realization took me to a weird place where I was pondering which minor league mascots I would eat, if given the chance. After painstaking analysis and evaluation I made a fool proof list of the mascots I would ingest for sustenance if given the opportunity.

The method is simple: We are grading on a 20 point scale evaluating deliciousness, how satisfying the mascot would be as a full meal, with a final tilt for misgivings — a minus rating applied to how disgusted with myself as a person I would feel for eating it.

No. 1 — The Montgomery Biscuit.

What am I eating? A golden brown biscuit, its butter tongue, two eyeballs.

I like the Montgomery Biscuit because it solves the primary problem with a biscuit as a sole breakfast dish — lack of protein. Normally you need something inside the biscuit to bulk it out into a full meal, and the internet tells me that eyeballs are protein-rich, which naturally makes this a better meal. Honestly, I’m a little more concerned with the butter tongue. Biscuits are already the most butter-laden bread stuff available, and I’m a little worried it might be too much.

Anticipated delectableness: 10/10
Expected satisfaction: 10/10
Misgivings: 2/10
Total: 18/20

No. 2 — Down East Wood Duck.

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What am I eating? An angry-ass duck.

I can get down on some duck. Even an angry-looking one. Duck isn’t something I’d order on the regular, but when prepared correctly it’s a symphony of flavor the likes of which almost nothing can match. I have some concern all that anger would contribute to the build up of lactic acid in the meat, making this duck taste a little funky — but funky duck is better than no duck at all.

Anticipated delectableness: 10/10
Expected satisfaction: 10/10
Misgivings: 3/10
Total: 17/20

No. 3 — Hartford Yard Goat.

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What am I eating? A goat.

Goat is incredible. A yard goat is essentially just a free range goat. This is not a very cute goat, so it definitely makes it easier to imagine eating this goat. That said, I have a problem too: This isn’t a delectable farm-raised meat goat, this is a tin can eating trash goat. I am concerned this would lead to a low quality eating experience, because you are what you eat.

Anticipated delectableness: 7/10
Expected satisfaction: 9/10
Misgivings: 0/10
Total: 16/20

No. 4 — Modesto Nuts.

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What am I eating: Nuts.

There are two mascots that make up the nuts: An almond and a walnut. Almonds are delicious, and I would eat them without hesitation. Walnuts are only good in things. I would not wish a handful of raw walnuts as a snack on my biggest enemy. This is a 50/50 situation. That said, I could eat enough nuts to make it a meal.

Anticipated delectableness: 5/10
Expected satisfaction: 10/10
Misgivings: 0/10
Total: 15/20

No. 5 — Binghamton Rumble Pony.

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What am I eating? A horse.

Come close, because I going to let you in on a little secret. Lean in, because I don’t want too many people to hear this …. horse is delicious. I ate horse on a trip to Montreal and I still think about it at least 2-3 times per year. There’s a toothsome, gamey quality that feels like it perfectly splits the middle between beef and venison. I would regularly eat horse, though I have to admit I feel a little guilty that I like it so much.

Anticipated delectableness: 10/10
Expected satisfaction: 10/10
Misgivings: 6/10
Total: 14/20

No. 6 — Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp.

What am I eating? A head-on, whole shrimp with additional muscly arms.

Shrimp are objectively delicious unless you have an allergy. However, this shrimp is a minefield. First of all it’s clearly a product of bizarre genetic engineering to give it mammalian arms, though I bet the arms would be delicious. Furthermore I see those spiky bits on the top of the shrimp and it looks like they would hurt the roof of my mouth. Peeling this bad boy goes against the spirit of this venture. Also one shrimp isn’t a meal.

Anticipated delectableness: 9/10
Expected satisfaction: 7/10
Misgivings: 4/10
Total: 12/20

No. 7 — Amarillo Sod Poodle

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What am I eating? A whole-ass prairie dog with a stalk of wheat in its mouth.

I don’t know what a prairie dog tastes like, but I imagine it’s delicious. This is a leap of faith. I would take the wheat stalk, make bread out of it and load this sod poodle onto the roll to engorge in a meat feast the likes of which nobody has seen. Prairie dogs are kinda cute though, so I do feel bad.

Anticipated delectableness: 8/10
Expected satisfaction: 7/10
Misgivings: 5/10
Total: 10/20

No. 8 — Rocky Mountain Vibe.

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What am I eating? A human-sized smore in mountain boots with sunglasses.

This is a “too much of a good thing” scenario. Smores are delightful, and one of the best desserts made better by camping. That said, I don’t want to eat that much smore. I think I might die trying to eat 150 pounds of smore. The boots and sunglasses will suck to eat, but at least they’ll give me a bit of a break from the clawing sweetness of the smore.

Anticipated delectableness: 10/10
Expected satisfaction: 5/10
Misgivings: 7/10
Total: 8/20

No. 9 — The Beloit Snapper.

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What am I eating? A tiny, scared turtle.

I feel bad just talking about this. The Beloit Snapper is the veal of the mascot eating world. I know it will probably be delicious, I know it will satisfy me. I also know that the night after eating this little guy I’m going to cry myself to sleep and my family and friends will judge me harshly for my decisions. I don’t like guilt.

Anticipated delectableness: 9/10
Expected satisfaction: 7/10
Misgivings: 10/10
Total: 6/20

No. 10 — Cedar Rapids Kernels.

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What am I eating? A processed corn-based product shaped into a baseball bat.

Corn is a delicious near-perfect food. Boil it, grill it, roast it — slather it in some toppings and it’s a vehicle bound for Flavor Town. I do not like the prospect of a processed corn product made into a baseball bat. This is either dry, or ungodly. There is no middle ground. I cannot abide by this.

Anticipated delectableness: 4/10
Expected satisfaction: 6/10
Misgivings: 10/10
Total: 0/20

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