3 Taliban commanders exchanged for American, Australian hostages abducted in Afghanistan

Monday’s Late Show began with an announcement about President Trump’s surprise weekend physical from a fake Walter Reed doctor bringing words of comfort and mockery: “It was a routine procedure, he is fine — though during the exam it was determined that the president had a blockage in his lower GI tract when it was discovered that several Republican members of Congress had lodged their heads in his, uh, quid pro hole.” He named names.

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“On Saturday, the president made an unscheduled trip to the hospital,” and “the secretive nature of the visit prompted a lot of speculation,” Stephen Colbert said in his monologue. “I am sincerely relieved to say that it looks like there’s nothing wrong with the president’s health,” Colbert said, but he found the official White House announcement that Trump is “as healthy as can be” suspicious: “How healthy can be be? He is a 73-year-old insomniac who eats nothing but fast food who is afraid to go down stairs.”

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“A lot of people are asking questions about Trump’s health since the trip to the doctor wasn’t on his schedule,” Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. “Although you could probably just read Trump’s schedule to and see why he needed a doctor: Two breakfasts, a brunch, a lunch….”

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“The president loves to talk about how healthy he is and how slow and tired everyone else is — this visit chips away at that,” Jimmy Kimmel noted at Kimmel Live. He, too, found the White House’s explanation a little suspect: “He had a down day? Every day is a down day.” He showed Trump’s actual schedule for Monday. “The dolphins at Sea World have busier schedules than our president,” he said.

Maybe Trump’s health is being affected by the impeachment hearings, Kimmel speculated. “The president claims he will strongly consider testifying — I mean, he won’t testify, that will never happen,” but “it would be so much fun to see all the Republicans in that chamber barking and wagging their tails when their owner walks in.”

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Trump and his Republican defenders have had a hard time keeping their stories straight and their excuses up to date with the testimony. The Daily Show has a solution. Watch below. Peter Weber

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