Taylor Swift Claims She Had No Idea She Was a White Supremacist Icon Because She ‘Didn’t Have the Internet’ on Her Phone

Photo: Noam Galai (Getty Images)

As some of the largest and most respected news outlets in America (unless you count Fox News, which is huge in Whitekanda) reported that alt-right and Neo-Nazi groups were celebrating Taylor Swift as the idealized Aryan Goddess, the unseasoned singer of hits I could probably Google if my computer browser didn’t have a “bullshit blocker” extension, claims she didn’t know she had become Alt-Right Rihanna because of her heartbreaking lack of a data plan.

In 2017, numerous major outlets reported that Swift had become a darling in the far-right corners of the internet including the most racist of them all—the Daily Stormer. The Washington Post reported that she had become an “‘Aryan Goddess’ icon.NPR noted, in 2016, that white supremacist groups were claiming that she hid racist Easter eggs inside her music and was just waiting for Donald Trump to take office. The Daily Beast called on her to publicly “denounce her Neo-Nazi admirers” and Vice said the pop star’s admirers believed she was “red-pilling America into a race war.”

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It should be noted that there is no indication that the singer harbored any racist or far-right views and Swift continues to look like the person Samsung would hire as a model if they decided to make a “golly gee” emoji for Android phones. Still, Banjo Beyonce didn’t say a word about it as her 2018 stadium tour grossed a record $266 million and sold over 2 million tickets. Her fans thought she was just keeping her mouth shut for the sake of political correctness. After all, how could Taylor survive if she lost all her hardcore black fans? I can barely walk through the hood without hearing a nigga blasting a song that sounds like it was sang by someone on a strict diet of unsalted Cream of Wheat and room temperature La Croix.*

Writers note: I assume that’s what Taylor Swift’s music sounds like but I admit, ever since I listened to the first 17 seconds of her remake of Earth Wind & Fire’s “September,” threw up in my mouth, went into septic shock and had a Caucasity-induced seizure, my doctor has me on a strict No-Taylor-Swift diet. But I assume her music sounds how cold grits taste.

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Now, more than a year later, in a Rolling Stone Q&A, Rockabilly Barbie says she was unaware that any of this was going on:

You’re in this weird place of being a blond, blue-eyed pop star in this era—to the point where until you endorsed some Democratic candidates, right-wingers, and worse, assumed you were on their side.

I don’t think they do anymore. Yeah, that was jarring, and I didn’t hear about that until after it had happened. Because at this point, I, for a very long time, I didn’t have the internet on my phone, and my team and my family were really worried about me because I was not in a good place. And there was a lot of stuff that they just dealt with without telling me about it. Which is the only time that’s ever happened in my career. I’m always in the pilot seat, trying to fly the plane that is my career in exactly the direction I want to take it. But there was a time when I just had to throw my hands up and say, “Guys, I can’t. I can’t do this. I need you to just take over for me and I’m just going to disappear.”

Are you referring to when a white-supremacist site suggested you were on their team?

I didn’t even see that, but, like, if that happened, that’s just disgusting. There’s literally nothing worse than white supremacy. It’s repulsive. There should be no place for it. Really, I keep trying to learn as much as I can about politics, and it’s become something I’m now obsessed with, whereas before, I was living in this sort of political ambivalence, because the person I voted for had always won.

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The cauliflower-colored crooner who boasts about “being in the pilot seat,” conveniently had no idea that her high-powered attorneys had issued legal threats against Meghan Herning, who wrote on her tiny blog with 215 Twitter followers (compared to Swift’s 84.7 million) that Swift was getting the “lower case kkk in formation” The threatening letter from attorneys claiming they were writing “on behalf of Ms. Swift,” demanded that Popfront “immediately issue a retraction of a provably false and defamatory story about Ms. Swift, as well as remove the story from all sources and cease and desist from publishing or disseminating it.” Even the ACLU said Swift’s “intimidation tactics” were “unacceptable.”

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But I’m sure you know how it is when your phone doesn’t have the internet. You accidentally push a button and, poof! You’re bullying someone for calling out your silence against racism.

It happens to me all the time.

Thankfully, Taylor Swift did come out in favor of progressive ideas when she stood against discrimination in an Instagram post, writing:

I believe in the fight for LGBTQ rights, and that any form of discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender is WRONG. I believe that the systemic racism we still see in this country towards people of color is terrifying, sickening and prevalent.

I cannot vote for someone who will not be willing to fight for dignity for ALL Americans, no matter their skin color, gender or who they love.

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Apparently her internet data plan suddenly started working. She probably paid her bill with some of the tour money because she posted that Instagram message endorsing progressive political candidates on October 7, 2018…

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One day after the North American leg of her “Reputation” tour ended.

Now that might seem convenient, but how was she to know? She uses an internetless rotary phone, remember? She probably mailed this photo to Instagram headquarters. And this tweet clearly came from a carrier pigeon.

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And none of this means that Taylor Swift is secretly racist.

However, the ability to ignore and profit from a thing as it kills and maims others is one of the greatest advantages white privilege offers and the “aww-shucks” white feminists have been employing for years. They paraded past public lynchings of black protesters as they pleaded for their own suffrage. They burned bras in relative peace because the fire hoses were busy spraying civil rights protesters. They will weep and scream for the lives of unborn babies but blithely pretend that bullet-riddled black bodies aren’t worthy of the “pro-life” movement.

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And anytime they are called out on their hypocrisy, they will offer the same response:

You Need to Calm Down.”

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